Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
