After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Randomize
