I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
