my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
