Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Enjoy the penises
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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