Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
