lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
