Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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