So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
