Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.