god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.