meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
