my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
