everyone is single if you try hard enough
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
