I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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