Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
