i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
