Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
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I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
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the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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