Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
