i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
