dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
The beer is more important than you right now.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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