I hate all girls vehemently.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
