You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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