When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
