nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
