Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
