i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
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I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
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I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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