I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
