So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
