This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
