first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
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It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
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im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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