toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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