i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
