So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
