Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
a search helicopter?!
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
