I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
