I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
