Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
