Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
