well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
