Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
