Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
