highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
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