The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
