why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
