I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
