i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
