My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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