my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
