nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
