I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
