i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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