I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize