If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
