Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Randomize
