I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
