Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
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He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
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Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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