Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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