Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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