I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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